When Did I Go from "Babe" to Little Old Lady?

We were too busy this weekend to follow the political news, so I reflected a bit on the more personal aspects of life. For instance, at church yesterday, several guys gave me big bear hugs and their wives didn't even flinch. Instead, they smiled a sweet, benevolent, "Oh, isn't that sweet?" look. In the good ole' days when I was a "babe," if a man attempted to give me a hug, his wife would shoot darts of suspicion my way and glare at him as if to ask, "Was that little flirtation worth what it's going to cost you when we get home?

Before, when a fellow helped me down from the bleachers, he generally had ulterior motives. Now, he's just making sure I make it without falling down. When did I cross that line between "Babe" and sweet little old lady? When did beauticians and salesclerks start calling me "sweetie" or "honey?" Even my doctors treat me with a deference and gentle pats that used to qualify for sexual harassment....but it's okay now, because I remind them of their grandma.

In the inevitable law of gravity, my waist has increased by the same dimensions my bust has diminished. The glamorous 36-26-36 proportions of my glory days have switched to 30-36-40. Victoria's Secret has nothing in stock for that figure! I never thought I'd hit that point in life where my mind retains nothing and my waist retains everything, but here I am. To put it another way, I''m at that stage when the broadness of my mind and the narrowness of my waist have exchanged places.

Somewhere along the way, the "babe" in me lost most of her spic and turned into span.

I'm not giving up gracefully. Like the Oil of Olay commercial says, "I'm fighting it every inch of the way!" I've tried and tried to find an appropriate exercise video, one that will get me back in shape without too much effort. So far, I haven't  found one called "Buns of Putty." The only thing that works for me is  having a great incentive, like putting M & Ms between my toes for a great sit-up routine.

It's not that I eat too much. Most the stuff in my shopping cart these days says, "For fast relief." How can you gain weight on that? I'm not really fat, just getting heavier as I age. That's because there's a lot more information filling up my head, and rather than let my brains explode, all that intelligence seeps into other parts of my body, sort of like a heat-seeking missile with gravity pull. It has to go somewhere, so now my stomach is the most intelligent part of  my body.