Joey's Take: Yes, I Am Qualified

You know, running for Congress is tough enough without people questioning the most basic qualifications. So, before any "Birther" movement begins to pick up steam against my candidacy, I figured I'd better lay out my qualifications.

First, the requirements.

According to the Constitution, representatives must be at least 25, have been a U.S. citizen for at least seven years and be a resident of the state they are elected to represent. In case you're wondering how Hillary pulled off New York, representatives or senators just have to meet these requirements before they're sworn into office. So Hillary was able to move to New York after she was elected but before she took office.

My qualifications.

I was born in southern Missouri, which makes me a natural born U.S. citizen. In fact, despite my Portuguese heritage, my ancestors have been in the U.S. for several generations, and I have lived here my entire life.

Yes, there is documentation. And, no, it isn't forged. However, I don't have it because I'm adopted. Yes, I have my adoption papers, and they're not forged either. But let me point out that since the Constitution does not require representatives or senators to be natural-born citizens, I'm under no obligation to produce a birth certificate.

I am 35 years old, in dog years. Hey, it qualifies. Yes, there was an article last week that said dogs were pretty much comparable to 2-year-olds. I guess that means I'll fit in just fine in Congress.

While I have residency in Virginia, I don't want to run from this state. I think our local rep is doing a good job. That means I'm still hunting for a state. Arf, the election isn't until November 2010, so I've got plenty of time to shop for a district to represent.

As for other qualifications, I am home-schooled, celibate and scandal-free. I don't fly around in private jets, let other people buy me expensive gifts or meals, or own stock in any corporations.
I have had years of experience in home security, which should translate well into homeland security. And for the past two years, I have been working at a company that deals with healthcare regulatory issues. I've also had some experience with wildlife management issues.

This experience, coupled with my take-charge attitude and my rock-star personality, make me the total congressional package.